My little man, Mitchell, past out the other da and the fear that shot through me was so palpable, you could mold it into the very instrument meant to make me feel the very same fear and pain I felt for him in that moment. His small, warm body, holding out as his brain drifts in and out of consciousness. I’m holding him as his muscles spaz because he can’t stop what’s happening while knowing nothing of what is going on. He was it for so long, for so long if I were to disappear in the night, die randomly, or get lost, he was the only one who would know, or care, for days. To see him like that debilitated me.
Im going through the toughest time in my life I believe, and I have been homeless twice. It was easier then, all I had was me for the most part. What makes now harder is him and her. Those two are my world and I feel like I'm failing as the world I was supposed to be for them.
Still doing the work, but I feel myself edging closer to uncertainty, emotionally, and I can’t keep foretelling what will happen next, because like Mitchell, I can’t stop what’s happening, while not knowing what is even happening.