If I’d lost him, you’d lose me by Darius Frank

My little man, Mitchell, past out the other da and the fear that shot through me was so palpable, you could mold it into the very instrument meant to make me feel the very same fear and pain I felt for him in that moment. His small, warm body, holding out as his brain drifts in and out of consciousness. I’m holding him as his muscles spaz because he can’t stop what’s happening while knowing nothing of what is going on. He was it for so long, for so long if I were to disappear in the night, die randomly, or get lost, he was the only one who would know, or care, for days. To see him like that debilitated me. 

Im going through the toughest time in my life I believe, and I have been homeless twice. It was easier then, all I had was me for the most part. What makes now harder is him and her. Those two are my world and I feel like I'm failing as the world I was supposed to be for them.

Still doing the work, but I feel myself edging closer to uncertainty, emotionally, and I can’t keep foretelling what will happen next, because like Mitchell, I can’t stop what’s happening, while not knowing what is even happening.

An epiphany on the can by Darius Frank

zbznsnzn Random epiphany while thinking on my situation and the people of the world. Cycling through endless possibilities of opportunities and aid. I had a random epiphany while sitting on the toilet, playing a game that never ends, but remains fascinating. What a build.... but the epiphany. 

 

Everybody needs 3 things, Food, Sleep, and a purpose. Whether it be the pursuit of felatio, or the care of a pet, outside of food and sleep, striving for a reason to belong seems to be the thing we are all doing, all the time. It doesn’t feel, or look that way. When you belong, you don’t have to mull over how you got there, what you did to do so, who you became to remain. But, the engaging in love, dedication to a good job, drinks with old friends, it all looks like purpose. Food, sleep, purpose. Without any one, you’ll probably die. I’m losing sleep, over my lack of purpose, because it’s contributing to lack of food.  

Not ready to die yet. 

Major layoffs as I lay away by Darius Frank

I had to let go of a lot of things as of late. Business hasn’t even doing to well, and, my hands were tied. Social media has to take a hike today. Everything except Facebook and the shit I can’t find. I mean, Facebook exists as a quick login these days and who’s looking for me on... photobucket? 

admittedly, want to disappear. People come looking for me, they’ll DM me when my phone goes on do not disturb. Now, they just can’t... it’s dark, and these people love me. I guess I’m trippin, and this spiral isn’t getting better.

A cut through worship via the AR product by Darius Frank

So I walked through. 

The space was mesmerizing, hyper, but slow. Everything seemed immediate because the excitement of the moment called for me to be at every part at once. I took my time and the moving felt unfamiliar. Like I was supposed to do this, but I would have never done it myself. It’s just hair right? Plus, they’ll appreciate the effort in change. The unfamiliarity will bring me low enough to receive a blessing because the haze isn’t doing it anymore.

I really could have lived In that fog forever. It’s baffling how easily I keep to the good fight in the face of overwhelming odds. I should have given in sooner, but I’m not mad that it took til now. I just hope it is the catalyst for change with which I been creating for. 

Stay frosty pony boy by Darius Frank

Approaching a milestone. Almost reached 200 applications sent out in the last 3 months. It’s been taxing but hope is all I have left, so I’m leaning on it hard. 

The intersections are constantly plaguing my mind as I endure rejection after rejection. I fear calling family because they have it worst than me and I’m the hope, ya know. Graduated college, been working since I was 15. With the skills I’m attaining, I want to call back with the solution to our woes. Instead, I hide, working, but hiding, in hope, so full of hope, that I am a quality find for someone or entity. 

Less that I refuse to give up, and more like, I just don’t have the option. 

No by Darius Frank

Never had an issue with hearing No. growing up, it was a regular response to a lot of necessities my family could have really benefitted from. So no throughout my life has been a natural progression of things. The no’s before a yes, the calm before a storm, the lull before they see the potential. Well, the lull has drained me of fantastic and I really can’t bring myself to perform anymore. 

I add another skill, learn another thing, create something new, and show it off to the world. To the reception of general praise and corporate boredom. I can’t crack the code on the way forward and I’m not faring well with having to reckon with this. You just get tired, school on top of school, job after job, experience and talent out the ass, and nothing. For half a year now, over 100 rejections and no real idea on recourse. Feels like I’ve failed this go round and if I truly failed, ain’t no coming back from that.

The Old Way of Doing Things is Still the Old Way by Darius Frank

There is something to going the analogue route, with processes that now have a digital solution. Aside from skill building and life enrichment, there is this satisfaction and/or pride in attaining the knowledge and following through to completion.

Read More

No Need to Explain, Who Really Gives a F*ck? by Darius Frank

A part of me believes that these moments are brought on by this feeling that i've lived to long. Not in a suicidal thought kind of way, but more, my story is improvising these days, confused by turns, that came with growing older than 27. My childhood pact involved becoming something huge in my early 20's so I die an enviable tragedy by 27.

Read More

Did You See That? by Darius Frank

I find it a treat when an artist is that transparent. My laziness won't allow me to contribute to such an endeavor, regularly. With the invention of social media, we get this look into artist's process. Without noticing, we take for granted this insightful offering. When you watch an artist talk, or explain on IG story. When you see someone cry on snapchat. Whenever you watch a vlog on Youtube of a figure workshopping new material. That should be cherished.

Read More

Starting Life Crisis by Darius Frank

Just fucking get over it. You're older, not old. You're not dead, just dying. Work harder, smarter, faster, and more often. Create to have something to leave behind. Remember that though being young was fun, you wouldn't have gotten here, without the subsequent years in which you found yourself aging. 

Read More